That’s it. I finished the 2017 Tour Of Sufferlandria. I’m not sure how, but I finished all 9 stages.
Last year’s tour was challenging. This year’s tour? Well, let’s just say that it was one of the hardest things that I have done on a bike in recent memory. Sure, there were probably times when I was racing way back in the 1970s when I probably killed myself on a ride. This year’s tour, coupled with a smart trainer, provided a new definition of suffering on a bike.
I’ll need a couple of days to recover from all of this abuse.
I do feel a sense of accomplishment. The rides are tough and you get out of them what you put into them. I gave it everything I had for 9 consecutive days. There were times when I did not think I would be able to finish and yet I was able to push through those moments and I was able to finish what I started.
I’ll do my FTP test in another week or so. I expect that I have been able to push things up a notch. Although super sore right now, I know that I will be able turn up some serious wattage for the outdoor rides that will be here in another 6 weeks or so.
Clearly waking upon a very bad mood, Grunter von Agony demanded the Minions create a horror film about climbing. So they mashed up all but one of the climbs from ISLAGIATT with the 40 minute monster from Thin Air for a total of five leg-breaking ascents. Upon the advice of National Team Coach Sir Neal Henderson, we’ve set the targets for this workout 10% lower than normal so that you’ll actually be able to finish it (you’ll be on your knees begging for it all to end, but you *should* (maybe)(kinda)(sorta) be able to finish the full 2.5 hours.
There it is. That word. Easy.
Maybe some of it was easy. I really could not tell. Hours of cruel and unusual punishment on a bike. And all I could ask myself: why? Why am I enduring so much pain and suffering? Why am I pushing myself to my limits?
I have no easy answer.
Stage 8 is done. One stage left.
The piece de resistance in Grunter von Agony’s Symphony of Suffering. Stage 8 is so unbelievably cruel, so terrible, that the United Nations might halt the Tour. Hold on to your shredded chamois, ladies and gentlemen, this isn’t going to be pretty. Stage 8 pits you against Sufferlandria’s age-old nemesis, Tyrannosaurus Rex, with a route that will have cadence sensors and your legs begging for mercy. Revolver…but after that, it gets easy. And by easy I mean Revolver is Easy. But that’s not all. Apparently Grunter thought Stage 8 wasn’t easy enough. Out of character, I know. So he added Half Is Easy. Never before has the Tour of Sufferlandria demanded the kind of commitment to pure suffering that these 89 vomit-inducing intervals has. The end of the Tour is close but still so far away. COURAGE!
Yikes. The pain and suffering just does not let up on this Tour of Sufferlandria.
I’ve never done this particular ride before at 100% intensity. I usually dial it back. Not this morning. 100%. My intensity factor was 0.96.
What is an intensity factor? It is the ratio of normalized power in a workout against functional threshold power. Functional threshold power (FTP) is the maximum average power that a rider can sustain for one hour. So, if my FTP was 270 watts, and I rode my bicycle for one hour at exactly 270 watts my intensity factor would be 1.0.
An intensity factor of 0.96, which I clocked this morning, meant that I was pushing things really, really hard.
I took a look at how everyone else is doing on the tour. And things are definitely not looking great as we enter the last three stages of the tour.
2,008 riders started the Tour of Sufferlandria within the posted timeframe — there may be a few more that started earlier or later that would not be part of this number. And the numbers are falling. 627 riders attempted Stage 6. 43 riders attempted Stage 7. Those numbers will go up given the timezone differences. Nonetheless, lots of DNFs on the board right now.
Stage 7 done.
Stage 8 tomorrow.
Stage 6 is now done. Only 3 more stages before the Tour is finished.
I am confident about tomorrow’s stage. The stages for Saturday and Sunday? Well, I will soon find out if I can get through them at full intensity. I will finish the tour. Of that I have no doubt. Doing the Tour of Sufferlandria with a power meter and a smart trainer is much, much harder than riding based on heart rate and RPE alone.
A wise man once said, ‘There is No Try. There is only Do. Or do not.’ And, so, as you approach your turbo trainer for this video, you should only come if you are fully committed to doing what needs to be done in order to get faster. And getting faster is what this video is all about. Here, you come face to face with Sufferlandrian intervals. You see, Sufferlandrians get faster when other cyclists get tired.
I brought the vomit bucket down to my pain cave this morning. Yesterday’s stage was brutal and I had a pretty rough day after I finished the ride.
I was worried about this stage. I felt so awful on the bike yesterday. Would it be the same way today?
Everest. Across the Sahara. To the South Pole. Through the Northwest Passage. There are extreme journeys that capture the imagination. And now, Sufferlandria adds to those adventures with the journey of the Nine Hammers. Few can make it through this epic adventure – but The Minions have confidence in you. Or maybe they just want to see you Suffer. You know how they are.
I made it through the nine hammers. Without throwing up. The ride went well. Hard. Very hard. But I made it.
I suspect part of the issue with yesterday’s stage was lack of hydration. For whatever reason I was failing to keep track of my fluid intake. I wasn’t on top of my daily hydration and it really showed up yesterday.
Feeling much better today.
I am not as worried about the next two stages. I will get through them.
Stage 8, on the other hand, is over two hours of hard riding and features 89 vomit-inducing intervals.
Stage 9? Well, let’s just say I am trying not to think about stage 9.
Stage 4 is done. Surprisingly, the toughest stage so far. I did not think that I would be able to finish it. Hard, hard, hard. Almost folded at the last interval.
And nausea. It is not uncommon for nausea to occur when you go deep into oxygen debt. I guess I hit a lot of debt this morning.
But I got through it. Stage 4 down. Only 5 more to go.
If you were eating lunch, 8 minutes wouldn’t seem like a lot of time. If you were on a beach, it would be cruel to only be there 8 minutes. But during the 8 minute climbs in Angels, you’ll swear to every god you can think of that it’s never going to end.
Yes. 4 of these intervals and I swore that each one would never end. Especially the last 2 minutes.
Yesterday’s 2-hour stage did hurt. I felt it for the rest of the day. And I had difficulty getting to sleep last night. Three stages down now. Six remain.
The Omnium has a few really brutal intervals. Event 4 and 5 to be precise. The final event is more like a brutal pounding. I lost it with about 10 seconds remaining on the maximum effort.
Today’s stage took its toll. No recovery. Not for another week.
You know what we love about you? Your versatility. You can Suffer anywhere, anytime and in any way. That’s why Grunter von Agony, Sufferlandrian Team Director, is sending you to compete in The Omnium at the UCI World Track Championships. Over the course of 50 minutes, you’ll do battle with the world’s elite in which you take on the six different races which make up the Omnium competition. From the searing agony of the Kilometer to the frantic stress of the Points Race, you’ll need to dig deep into every corner of your COURAGE for this one.
I really won’t have much of a chance at recovery with this Tour of Sufferlandria. Nine consecutive days of brutal indoor training.
I have been working on at least 4 Sufferfest rides a week since October coupled with 1 or 2 Zwift rides a week. Overall I am feeling pretty confident with the early stages. I know I can get through them okay. It is stage 8 and 9 that have me concerned.
Today’s stage? Not so bad although almost 2 hours on a trainer can be mentally as well as physically challenging.
Before heading into the foothills of the Sufferlandrian highlands, the Tour will make a brief detour into Couchlandria. The breathtaking views and soothing narration of the Col Collective’s saddle-adverse Mike Cotty is simply Grunter von Agony’s attempt to distract you from the main event. After Col-blooded Cotty drops the base with The Way Out and the peloton re-enters Sufferlandria, you are going be put through the grinder and repeatedly thrown against a wall. Or more accurately, Hit By Wall. That’s right, we’re talking 11 low-cadence grinds up some of the steepest pitches in Sufferlandria, bringing the rating to a lava-licious 5 out of 5 volcanoes. Things are about to get painful.